After sharing my emotionally draining thoughts with Huanhuan last night, I felt much calmer today.
Recently, I’ve started leaning toward hoping that the CSC (China Scholarship Council) will reject my funding application. There are two main reasons for this: First, I can already foresee that the next few years abroad would likely be quite painful, and because of this, the prolonged lack of a stable job has been weighing on me for a long time. Second, I’ve begun to fear the prospect of long-term separation from my loved ones, family, and friends.
If the funding application is unsuccessful, I can accept it with peace of mind and focus on preparing for a normal life like most people—having a modest job that barely makes ends meet, a family of my own, and a comfortable routine.
On the other hand, if the CSC approves the funding, two factors would still leave me feeling drained and apprehensive. First, uncertainties around passport and visa issues remain, and I’d inevitably have to navigate bureaucratic hurdles—something I dread. Second, I’d once again face a prolonged period without income, continuing to feel emotionally exhausted, searching for a new foothold, while also worrying about the impending long-term separation.
Looking back now, the decision I made earlier doesn’t seem as wise as I once thought. However, one thing is certain: the unemployment we fear isn’t as terrifying as it seems. It’s okay to be without a job for a week, a month, or even a year.
Of course, the fact that I haven’t struggled as much this year is largely thanks to the support of my family and Huanhuan. It’s in times like these that I truly feel their warmth.