Diary

09:52 Feeling Anxious Again In the past, I tended to prepare and arrange daily study plans because I couldn’t go abroad due to financial constraints. But if the CSC scholarship is approved and I can go, things like English proficiency will become extremely important. Some research tools can be temporarily set aside, but I must set aside time every day to study English. 15:08 Check the Vendor’s Overall Appearance Before Buying A few days ago, I bought some corn and immediately noticed it wasn’t great, but I had already picked two, so I reluctantly bought them. I also noticed the vendor was selling loquats and bayberries, neither of which looked fresh. ...

Yesterday, I stayed up late playing games with Huanhuan and didn’t sleep until 3 a.m. Today, I’m exhausted. This morning, after getting up, I stir-fried some clams and saved some of them to make clam noodles with the leftover vermicelli from yesterday. The stir-fry turned out pretty good—I’ll definitely make it again in the future. The quality of ingredients is the key to whether a dish tastes good or not. I looked it up online and learned that clams can simply be steamed with a bit of cilantro and sesame oil, and they’ll already be delicious. Next time I get fresh clams, I’ll give that a try. ...

This morning, I made lobster tail pasta, and it turned out pretty good. It’s just not as tasty as live crayfish, but it’s fine to have occasionally. After a short nap in the afternoon, we went to the seafood street and bought some oysters (¥3 each, opened on the spot) and clams (¥7 per pound—the vendor even threw out the bad ones). It was quite a good deal. Then we headed to the supermarket to pick up some side ingredients and seasonings. ...

I haven’t woken up early in a long time, but today I had to because I was attending an interview at the Material Support Center in the morning. Strictly speaking, this was my second structured interview. The first one was when I took the civil service selection exam in Anshun before graduating. Back then, I didn’t prepare seriously—I just watched a few videos to get familiar with the interview process. Naturally, the lack of preparation led to failure, though I was surprised to have made it to the interview stage with a completely unprepared written test. ...

Summer has arrived, and I’ve been waking up quite early in the mornings, unable to fall back asleep, which feels a bit uncomfortable. After studying briefly in the morning, I felt drowsy again. Tomorrow, Xiaoyi has an interview with the Emergency Management Bureau, so he came to stay at Niuwa’s place tonight. We had a meal together and went to find Deng Ya and the others. In the evening, Huanhuan’s house was filled with relatives. I called and messaged her, but she didn’t respond promptly. I knew she was once again facing pressure from all those relatives, and there was nothing I could do about it. ...

After sharing my emotionally draining thoughts with Huanhuan last night, I felt much calmer today. Recently, I’ve started leaning toward hoping that the CSC (China Scholarship Council) will reject my funding application. There are two main reasons for this: First, I can already foresee that the next few years abroad would likely be quite painful, and because of this, the prolonged lack of a stable job has been weighing on me for a long time. Second, I’ve begun to fear the prospect of long-term separation from my loved ones, family, and friends. ...

A few days ago, my older brother went to Henan for a university classmate’s wedding. Yesterday afternoon, he called me to share what he had learned, mainly about the cost-effectiveness of studying abroad, the difficulties of studying overseas, the challenges of growing older, and the situation after returning to China. I was already aware of these things, but hearing him reiterate them made me even more anxious. Last night, when I video-called Huanhuan, I sensed she seemed a bit down. I asked her what was wrong, but she said it was nothing. ...